see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
