so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
