I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
