nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
