it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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