i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
