I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
