His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
