I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
