I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
