Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
A+ Viking dick
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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