so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
