Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
