I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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