Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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