did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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