The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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