So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
