he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
