i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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