all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
