i just had sex bonerless
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
