I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
