i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
