My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
