Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
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She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
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Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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