Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
