Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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