She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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