when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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