We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
this will be a night to untag.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
