alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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