a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
