My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
