he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
