Little spoons don't ask big questions
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
