im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
