Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
