Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
