im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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