After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
