Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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