she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
