my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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