Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
