I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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