it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
