I wish I could teleport
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize
