just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
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Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
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They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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