ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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