she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.