I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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