I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
