bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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