Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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