Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
