Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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