I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
my poor anus
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
