I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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